I am a wife, mother, and a daughter of the King...I think that qualifies as a princess;)

29th December 2010

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Chapter 3 The Attributes of God True, these men were worshiping, not counting; but we might be wise to follow the insight of the enraptured heart rather than the more cautious reasonings of the theological mind. I want my worship and attempt to understand God and really obey, love and follow His word to come out of my enraptured heart for Him, not out of my “great understanding” or “obligation”. I do not want to worship, obey, or serve a God that I can wholly understand. I want my “Faith” to be defined by faith, and stand in awe of God’s otherness…to be in awe. If an attribute is something true of God, it is also something that we can conceive as being true of Him. God, being infinite, must possess attributes about which we can know. An attribute, as we can know it, is a mental concept, an intellectual response to God’s self-revelation. It is an answer to a question, the reply God makes to our interrogation concerning himself. Anything we understand about God is simply God allowing it to be revealed about Himself. “An intellectual response to God’s self-revelation”. To our questions God has provided answers; not all the answers, certainly, but enough to satisfy our intellects and ravish our hearts. These answers He has provided in nature, in the Scriptures, and in the person of His Son.  I love that he says that God gives us enough answers to “ravish our hearts”. He reveals just enough about himself to leave you wanting more of Him. Towzer also says in “The Pursuit of God” that “God waits to be wanted”. In this way He reveals our (women’s) likeness to him in that we want to be pursued for the little known, to know the more. God wants to be pursued so He reveals enough to “ravish our hearts” so we will chase after Him to be ravished again. Though God in this threefold revelation has provided answers to our questions concerning Him, the answers by no means lie on the surface. They must be sought by prayer, by long meditation on the written Word, and by earnest and well-disciplined labor. However brightly the light may shine, it can be seen only by those who are spiritually prepared to receive it.         ”Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” I want God to make me want Him, but in the end, it is my choice. Do I want more of God in my life than I must seek Him and his heart through prayer, long meditation on His word, and discipline myself in His ways. I want to see the Lord, I have to be spiritually prepared to receive it. This is the verse I believe the Lord gave me for this chapter in my life which coincides with this thought.  Jeremiah 29:13 “If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. “I will be found by you,” says the Lord. Chapter 4 Every man lives by faith, the nonbeliever as well as the saint; the one by faith in natural laws and the other by faith in God. Every man throughout his entire life constantly accepts without understanding. The most learned sage can be reduced to silence with one simple question, “What?” The answer to that question lies forever in the abyss of unknowing beyond any man’s ability to discover. “God understandeth the way thereof, and he knoweth the place thereof” but mortal man never. We all have faith in something, either ourselves or God. Secularism, materialism, and the intrusive presence of things have put out the light in our souls and turned us into a generation of zombies. We cover our deep ignorance with words, but we are ashamed to wonder, we are afraid to whisper “mystery.” Since when has it become unfashionable or looked down upon to live our life in Christ defined first by faith and standing in awe at the one who saved us? Why are we scared to admit that we don’t understand everything about God, and there is mystery, and that is yet another reason to love and follow Him. “We think more loftily of God,” says Michael de Molinos, “by knowing that He is incomprehensible, and above our understanding, than by conceiving Him under any image, and creature beauty, according to our rude understanding.” What God declares the believing heart confesses without the need of further proof. Indeed, to seek proof is to admit doubt, and to obtain proof is to render faith superfluous. Everyone who possesses the gift of faith will recognize the wisdom of those daring words of one of the early Church fathers: “I believe that Christ died for me because it is incredible; I believe that he rose from the dead because it is impossible.” Faith is not ignorance. It’s not believing our own press in how wise and enlightened we are and remembering our true place in light of God. His great significance and wisdom, which we always keep in mind, is far far greater than anything we could ever even fathom. Faith is believing when reason fails us. It is impossible to please God without it. That was the attitude of Abraham, who against all evidence waxed strong in faith, giving glory to God. It was the attitude of Anselm, “the second Augustine,” one of the greatest thinkers of the Christian era, who held that faith must precede all effort to understand. Reflection upon revealed truth naturally follows the advent of faith, but faith comes first to the hearing ear, not to the cogitating mind. The believing man does not ponder the Word and arrive at faith by a process of reasoning, not does he seek confirmation of faith from philosophy or science. His cry is, “O earth, earth, hear the word of the Lord. Yea, let God be true, but every man a liar. “ Although it seems an unpopular thought this day, faith must proceed reason. We do not get more faith by all our reasoning, but perhaps understanding might come from faith and hearing the Word of God. Is this to dismiss scholarship as valueless in the sphere of revealed religion? By no means. The scholar has a vitally important task to perform within a carefully prescribed precinct. His task is to guarantee the purity of the text, to get as close as possible to the Word as originally given. He may compare Scripture with Scripture until he has discovered the true meaning of the text. But right there his authority ends. He must never sit in judgment upon what is written. He dare not bring the meaning of the Word before the bar of his reason. He dare not commend or condemn the Word as reasonable or unreasonable, scientific or unscientific. After the meaning is discovered, that meaning judges him; never does he judge it.

Chapter 3 The Attributes of God

  • True, these men were worshiping, not counting; but we might be wise to follow the insight of the enraptured heart rather than the more cautious reasonings of the theological mind.

I want my worship and attempt to understand God and really obey, love and follow His word to come out of my enraptured heart for Him, not out of my “great understanding” or “obligation”. I do not want to worship, obey, or serve a God that I can wholly understand. I want my “Faith” to be defined by faith, and stand in awe of God’s otherness…to be in awe.

  • If an attribute is something true of God, it is also something that we can conceive as being true of Him. God, being infinite, must possess attributes about which we can know. An attribute, as we can know it, is a mental concept, an intellectual response to God’s self-revelation. It is an answer to a question, the reply God makes to our interrogation concerning himself.

Anything we understand about God is simply God allowing it to be revealed about Himself. “An intellectual response to God’s self-revelation”.

  • To our questions God has provided answers; not all the answers, certainly, but enough to satisfy our intellects and ravish our hearts. These answers He has provided in nature, in the Scriptures, and in the person of His Son. 

I love that he says that God gives us enough answers to “ravish our hearts”. He reveals just enough about himself to leave you wanting more of Him. Towzer also says in “The Pursuit of God” that “God waits to be wanted”. In this way He reveals our (women’s) likeness to him in that we want to be pursued for the little known, to know the more. God wants to be pursued so He reveals enough to “ravish our hearts” so we will chase after Him to be ravished again.

  • Though God in this threefold revelation has provided answers to our questions concerning Him, the answers by no means lie on the surface. They must be sought by prayer, by long meditation on the written Word, and by earnest and well-disciplined labor. However brightly the light may shine, it can be seen only by those who are spiritually prepared to receive it.

        ”Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

I want God to make me want Him, but in the end, it is my choice. Do I want more of God in my life than I must seek Him and his heart through prayer, long meditation on His word, and discipline myself in His ways. I want to see the Lord, I have to be spiritually prepared to receive it. This is the verse I believe the Lord gave me for this chapter in my life which coincides with this thought.
 

Jeremiah 29:13 “If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. “I will be found by you,” says the Lord.

Chapter 4

  • Every man lives by faith, the nonbeliever as well as the saint; the one by faith in natural laws and the other by faith in God. Every man throughout his entire life constantly accepts without understanding. The most learned sage can be reduced to silence with one simple question, “What?” The answer to that question lies forever in the abyss of unknowing beyond any man’s ability to discover. “God understandeth the way thereof, and he knoweth the place thereof” but mortal man never.

We all have faith in something, either ourselves or God.

  • Secularism, materialism, and the intrusive presence of things
    have put out the light in our souls and turned us into a generation of zombies. We cover our deep ignorance with words, but we are ashamed to wonder, we are afraid to whisper “mystery.”

Since when has it become unfashionable or looked down upon to live our life in Christ defined first by faith and standing in awe at the one who saved us? Why are we scared to admit that we don’t understand everything about God, and there is mystery, and that is yet another reason to love and follow Him.

  • “We think more loftily of God,” says Michael de
    Molinos, “by knowing that He is incomprehensible, and above our understanding, than by conceiving Him under any image, and creature beauty, according to our rude understanding.”
  • What God declares the believing heart confesses without the need of further proof. Indeed, to seek proof is to admit doubt, and to obtain proof is to render faith superfluous. Everyone who possesses the gift of faith will recognize the wisdom of those daring words of one of the early Church fathers: “I believe that Christ died for me because it is incredible; I believe that he rose from the dead because it is impossible.”

Faith is not ignorance. It’s not believing our own press in how wise and enlightened we are and remembering our true place in light of God. His great significance and wisdom, which we always keep in mind, is far far greater than anything we could ever even fathom. Faith is believing when reason fails us. It is impossible to please God without it.

  • That was the attitude of Abraham, who against all evidence waxed strong in faith, giving glory to God. It was the attitude of Anselm, “the second Augustine,” one of the greatest thinkers of the Christian era, who held that faith must precede all effort to understand. Reflection upon revealed truth naturally follows the advent of faith, but faith comes first to the hearing ear, not to the cogitating mind. The believing man does not ponder the Word and arrive at faith by a process of reasoning, not does he seek confirmation of faith from philosophy or science. His cry is, “O earth, earth, hear the word of the Lord. Yea, let God be true, but every man a liar. “

Although it seems an unpopular thought this day, faith must proceed reason. We do not get more faith by all our reasoning, but perhaps understanding might come from faith and hearing the Word of God.

  • Is this to dismiss scholarship as valueless in the sphere of revealed religion? By no means. The scholar has a vitally important task to perform within a carefully prescribed precinct. His task is to guarantee the purity of the text, to get as close as possible to the Word as originally given. He may compare Scripture with Scripture until he has discovered the true meaning of the text. But right there his authority ends. He must never sit in judgment upon what is written. He dare not bring the meaning of the Word before the bar of his reason. He dare not commend or condemn the Word as reasonable or unreasonable, scientific or unscientific. After the meaning is discovered, that meaning judges him; never does he judge it.

21st December 2010

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Chapter 2 When we try to imagine what God is like we must of necessity use that-which-is-not-God as the raw material for our minds to work on; hence whatever we visualize God to be, He is not, for we have constructed our image out of that which He has made and what He has made is not God. If we insist upon trying to imagine Him, we end with an idol, made not with hands but with thoughts; and an idol of the mind is as offensive to God as an idol of the hand.        We can not even begin to imagine God, yet it is our very nature to try. I think what Tozer is saying, thus the point of the book, is that we must realize the “otherness” of God. He is beyond our understanding or comprehension, and instead of that bringing us to frustration it should rather bring us to a sense of awe and reverence for something far greater than our mind could ever conceive. When we believe we KNOW what God is like, we have created an idol of our mind. The otherness of God is not there to be analyzed and stuffed into a neat box that makes us feel comfortable, it is to marvel at and keep us aware of our who we are in the scheme of things. The Gospel according to John reveals the helplessness of the human mind before the great Mystery which is God, and Paul in First Corinthians teaches that God can be known only as the Holy Spirit performs in the seeking heart an act of self-disclosure. It is not by our effort to try harder to understand God to give crisp, clean, answers to our debating buddies. The Holy Spirit reveals to us things about God to the one who seeks God, for GOD. In Christ and by Christ, God effects complete self-disclosure, although He shows Himself not to reason but to faith and love. Faith is an organ of knowledge, and love an organ of experience. God came to us in the incarnation; in atonement He reconciled us to Himself, and by faith and love we enter and lay hold on Him.        Faith and love are organs, in other words, faith and love are what make knowledge and experience exist, what keep them sustained. I love this. I feel like so many times people trust in their experiences or knowledge much more than they do faith and love, it should be the other way around. It is by faith and love we know God more. These things are not easily defined, much like God ehh? That God can be known by the soul in tender personal experience while remaining infinitely aloof from the curious eyes of reason constitutes a paradox best described as ‘Darkness to the intellect But sunshine to the heart.’ Frederick W. Faber      Perhaps it is “darkness to the intellect, but sunshine to the heart” because the intellect want answers, the heart wants and needs God. Speaking of the Christian soul he says: “Let her suppose that all the whole world and the most refined conceptions of the wisest intellects can tell her nothing, and that the goodness and beauty of her Beloved infinitely surpass all their knowledge, being persuaded that all creatures are too rude to inform her and to conduct her to the true knowledge of God…. She ought then to go forward with her love, leaving all her understanding behind. Let her love God as He is in Himself, and not as her imagination says He is, and pictures Him.” Molinos         Shocking to think that intellectualism towards God could be labeled another way and be called imagination. But if we come to any conclusions from our intellect or any others that can firstly be an idol of the mind as previously mentioned, and secondly, if it is not the heart of faith and love seeking it, you might find an “answer” but will you find God? God is not defined by our good guesses, but only by who He is, as He reveals Himself to us by His word. He is not intimidated nor threatened by anyone’s notions of Him, He is not changed. Anything that anyone has EVER come up with about God, He is more, He is other. Never be satisfied with anyone’s definition.

Chapter 2

  • When we try to imagine what God is like we must of necessity use that-which-is-not-God as the raw material for our minds to work on; hence whatever we visualize God to be, He is not, for we have constructed our image out of that which He has made and what He has made is not God. If we insist upon trying to imagine Him, we end with an idol, made not with hands but with thoughts; and an idol of the mind is as offensive to God as an idol of the hand.

       We can not even begin to imagine God, yet it is our very nature to try. I think what Tozer is saying, thus the point of the book, is that we must realize the “otherness” of God. He is beyond our understanding or comprehension, and instead of that bringing us to frustration it should rather bring us to a sense of awe and reverence for something far greater than our mind could ever conceive. When we believe we KNOW what God is like, we have created an idol of our mind. The otherness of God is not there to be analyzed and stuffed into a neat box that makes us feel comfortable, it is to marvel at and keep us aware of our who we are in the scheme of things.

  • The Gospel according to John reveals the helplessness of the human mind before the great Mystery which is God, and Paul in First Corinthians teaches that God can be known only as the Holy Spirit performs in the seeking heart an act of self-disclosure.

It is not by our effort to try harder to understand God to give crisp, clean, answers to our debating buddies. The Holy Spirit reveals to us things about God to the one who seeks God, for GOD.

  • In Christ and by Christ, God effects complete self-disclosure, although He shows Himself not to reason but to faith and love. Faith is an organ of knowledge, and love an organ of experience. God came to us in the incarnation; in atonement He reconciled us to Himself, and by faith and love we enter and lay hold on Him.

       Faith and love are organs, in other words, faith and love are what make knowledge and experience exist, what keep them sustained. I love this. I feel like so many times people trust in their experiences or knowledge much more than they do faith and love, it should be the other way around. It is by faith and love we know God more. These things are not easily defined, much like God ehh?

  • That God can be known by the soul in tender personal experience while remaining infinitely aloof from the curious eyes of reason constitutes a paradox best described as ‘Darkness to the intellect But sunshine to the heart.’ Frederick W. Faber

     Perhaps it is “darkness to the intellect, but sunshine to the heart” because the intellect want answers, the heart wants and needs God.

  • Speaking of the Christian soul he says: “Let her suppose that all the whole
    world and the most refined conceptions of the wisest intellects can tell her nothing, and that the goodness and beauty of her Beloved infinitely surpass all their knowledge, being persuaded that all creatures are too rude to inform her and to conduct her to the true knowledge of God…. She ought then to go forward with her love, leaving all her understanding behind. Let her love God as He is in Himself, and not as her imagination says He is, and pictures Him.” Molinos

        Shocking to think that intellectualism towards God could be labeled another way and be called imagination. But if we come to any conclusions from our intellect or any others that can firstly be an idol of the mind as previously mentioned, and secondly, if it is not the heart of faith and love seeking it, you might find an “answer” but will you find God? God is not defined by our good guesses, but only by who He is, as He reveals Himself to us by His word. He is not intimidated nor threatened by anyone’s notions of Him, He is not changed. Anything that anyone has EVER come up with about God, He is more, He is other. Never be satisfied with anyone’s definition.

20th December 2010

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As a church we are all going to read “The Knowledge of the Holy” by Towzer (whom I really enjoy) Of coarse this means quotable quotes for me and my interspersed thoughts on those that stood out to me. Chapter 1 This loss of the concept of majesty has come just when the forces of religion are making dramatic gains and the churches are more prosperous than at any time within the past several hundred years. But the alarming thing is that our gains are mostly external and our losses wholly internal; and since it is the quality of our religion that is affected by internal conditions, it may be that our supposed gains are but losses spread over a wider field.  In an age where we determine the success of a church through the American standard of success, I am not sure that Towzer could have been closer to on point than he was at the time he wrote this. We see big sound systems, offering, numbers as success and leave God out of the equation altogether, or if He is lucky a mention or two here and there. The quality of our religion is affected by our internal conditions and we are not successful by what people see, what we see, but are successful by what God sees and calls good. I I am not convinced God buys into the programs, the processes, the formulas that we all find so essential. Know God, love Him, love people…that’s it. Everything else flows from that. If we are not emphasizing knowing and truly loving God, we are missing the point of life. So perhaps these “successes” are actually failures without God, alone. What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us. This is so true. It shapes how we live. Always the most revealing thing about the Church is her idea of God, just as her most significant message is what she says about Him or leaves unsaid, for her silence is often more eloquent than her speech. She can never escape the self-disclosure of her witness concerning God. The idea a church has about God will come out through her people, more by what they do and how they live then ever by what they say. Speaking the truth and yet never living it out only makes us liars. People can smell a fake a mile away. Low views of God destroy the gospel for all who hold them. To underestimate who God is, has destroyed the people of the church. The fear of God is not taught, nor understood, to any degree, as large a concept as it is. We believe little because we see little, and we see little because we believe little. God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do. I know I have to remind myself of this. We as the body of Christ must cling to this and live it out in our daily lives or people will not see who God really is through us! Before the Christian Church goes into eclipse anywhere there must first be a corrupting of her simple basic theology. She simply gets a wrong answer to the question, “What is God like?” and goes on from there. Though she may continue to cling to a sound nominal creed, her practical working creed has become false. The masses of her adherents come to believe that God is different from what He actually is; and that is heresy of the most insidious and deadly kind. May I know God more fully in all His fullness. Let me not forget to tremble.

As a church we are all going to read “The Knowledge of the Holy” by Towzer (whom I really enjoy) Of coarse this means quotable quotes for me and my interspersed thoughts on those that stood out to me.

Chapter 1

  • This loss of the concept of majesty has come just when the forces of religion are making dramatic gains and the churches are more prosperous than at any time within the past several hundred years. But the alarming thing is that our gains are mostly external and our losses wholly internal; and since it is the quality of our religion that is affected by internal conditions, it may be that our supposed gains are but losses spread over a wider field. 

In an age where we determine the success of a church through the American standard of success, I am not sure that Towzer could have been closer to on point than he was at the time he wrote this. We see big sound systems, offering, numbers as success and leave God out of the equation altogether, or if He is lucky a mention or two here and there. The quality of our religion is affected by our internal conditions and we are not successful by what people see, what we see, but are successful by what God sees and calls good. I

I am not convinced God buys into the programs, the processes, the formulas that we all find so essential. Know God, love Him, love people…that’s it. Everything else flows from that. If we are not emphasizing knowing and truly loving God, we are missing the point of life. So perhaps these “successes” are actually failures without God, alone.

  • What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.

This is so true. It shapes how we live.

  • Always the most revealing thing about the Church is her idea of God, just as her most significant message is what she says about Him or leaves unsaid, for her silence is often more eloquent than her speech. She can never escape the self-disclosure of her witness concerning God.

The idea a church has about God will come out through her people, more by what they do and how they live then ever by what they say. Speaking the truth and yet never living it out only makes us liars. People can smell a fake a mile away.

  • Low views of God destroy the gospel for all who hold them.

To underestimate who God is, has destroyed the people of the church. The fear of God is not taught, nor understood, to any degree, as large a concept as it is. We believe little because we see little, and we see little because we believe little. God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do. I know I have to remind myself of this. We as the body of Christ must cling to this and live it out in our daily lives or people will not see who God really is through us!

  • Before the Christian Church goes into eclipse anywhere there must first be a corrupting of her simple basic theology. She simply gets a wrong answer to the question, “What is God like?” and goes on from there. Though she may continue to cling to a sound nominal creed, her practical working creed has become false. The masses of her adherents come to believe that God is different from what He actually is; and that is heresy of the most insidious and deadly kind.

May I know God more fully in all His fullness. Let me not forget to tremble.

5th December 2010

Photoset

I have been so bad about keeping up with Ashton’s monthly updates but this is his last one before he will be ONE! I can not believe that in just one month my little man will be one year old!!! I tell him every day he is much too big, getting long legs and all.

He is such a big boy! He loves to eat whatever mommy is eating and most times can get at least a quarter of whatever it is from me:) He seems less interested in his bottle and sometimes I think the baby food isn’t even enough for him. He is also getting picky! NO PEAS please mom and some other veggies as well, but I make him eat at least half!

He loves to sing. I never realized how much I actually sing, pretty much all the time to him..so that might be part of it. He of coarse LOVE Veggie Tales and that song, the hot dog song, sometimes Old McDonald and now Jingle Bells. He likes to copy what we are saying or singing the best he knows how. The other day Daniel said something to the TV during football and he copied it in the inflection. It seems he can do more all of the sudden in a day!

The last couple days he has been walking a lot more too. He is getting more brave so I think this month he will be off. His problem is he wants to run and falls over his feet. ha.

He is very obedient and does not like at all when daddy or I have to tell him no or spank his hand for touching things when he is feeling a bit obstinate. He starts crying instantly. I think this will be a good thing:)

He is very good about sleeping and bed especially. He has his routine but recently when he is tired he just wants me to hurry up and get out and especially NO LIGHT MOM..he will fuss inconsolably and I am wondering whats wrong…but he gets irritated with the light and as soon as I shut his door he get quiet and goes to sleep.

He is so happy and easy going as long as we don’t push it. He really likes his routine (I think that is typical for a baby) and his sleep. If we have him up during naps or bedtime too much he is a handful, but again, I think that is normal. Babies need that sleep!

He is also very smart (he’s my kid, of coarse I think so!). He understands so much. I will tell him “look at mommy” he will, I will tell him “give it to mommy” he will. I will tell him to give me a snuggle and most times he will put his head on my shoulder, but he still won’t give me kisses. Sometimes my arm but that is all. He prefers to “bonk it” which is where we bonk our heads together. He prefers to give the kisses to the babies and dogs in the book. He also knows certain things like “what the baby, dog, lion, and a few more says” he is not always consistent but is getting better! He also “dances” by shaking his head like he is saying no.

He loves his daddy and is generally happier when he is home. He hasn’t been able to see him much during the week because he leaves just before he gets up and then is sometimes in bed again before he is home, sad:( He loves to watch football with Daniel and I notice even when they talk about football and show the guys on the news he will stop and watch. ha. He also has a good arm as one day when I was putting on my makeup and threw something at me and it exploded the powder all over the place. He loves to take rings and other things that roll and throw and chase them. He likes to explore and play with nobs and buttons the most.

I love that guy more and more every day. I tell him a lot, you are SO handsome baby! He is going to be experiencing his first Christmas in a few weeks and we were able to get him a few toys! I was so excited about that and can’t wait for him to see them!

Happy 11 month my baby Ashton! LOVE LOVE LOVE

2nd December 2010

Video

I have never made one of these but I did today because I have been struggling with being OK with myself no matter what.

As I was making this Oprah came on as well and they were talking about how if your whole self is based on people thinking you are a beautiful woman and then you age, then you have to figure out who you are. I don’t think that is me, but if I were my old self giving myself now advice..I would tell her that life is too short to try and run after perfection. I am not a perfectionist, and I don’t want to be one. I want to be who God created me to be, not give up or in, but be who I am and know who that is and what makes me come alive. The me because I’m me…not the me because I am trying to be what others think or want me to be. A heard a quote the other day that if a child is asked to choose between being loved and being themselves, they will choose love every time. That has been me, for a while anyways, and now I want to be myself.

At the risk of calling myself a “beautiful” woman if this is so I know I am more than that but I want to know myself. I want to know who God created me to be! I have gifts, talents, strengths, bents and I am a work in progress. I have come to realize that I love myself conditionally. Only if I am doing this that and the other do I see myself as worthy.. When I am not doing those things, I feel like I don’t deserve something, like I don’t measure up.

I am walking a walk with the Lord in this, looking for Him to bring me to freedom. I hated myself when I was pregnant, and I am just coming to realize this now. It was the most devastating time in my life as a woman for me so far, in regards to my self worth. Luckily, it does not scare me to have another baby and Ashton is so worth it all. But it has left deep wounds and scars on my heart that I do not know what to do with, even almost a year later.

There is a part in this song that says “why waist a moment, not loving who you are” and that includes the worst of me. That I was still me then, puffy, acne, wide nose and I still deserved love and respect and worth, because I was me…I was still me. I have been driven to be “normal” again and I feel a fierce pressure from life to fit into a mold or something. Perhaps it is the truth that I felt so unacceptable being pregnant that I was desperate for acceptance again once I could control my body a little more.

Another part of the song says “I felt unworthy and blamed my failures on the ugliness I could see, when the mirror looked at me”. As shallow as it may sound, I have always been at least “kinda pretty” and it was totally gone when I was pregnant, and when your whole life you have felt much or your worth has come from something in your appearance, well, you don’t know who you are! And that is where I am now, who am I when I tell myself that in this moment I am unconditionally OK, not when I am perfect…but today. Even if I feel like I am the only person who thinks so.

I am tired of feeling unacceptable, but that is because I put my acceptance in others hands. I want to be thankful for who I am and who I have become and not always think about how I am so far from ever measuring up all the time. It is exhausting. I want to rebel, because to fit into the mold means I have to do a+B+c in order to be loveable, to fit into a club, to have worth… why? Why? This is tied to not only my appearance but also who I am…back to the Captivating thing, always too much, never enough.

10th November 2010

Link

The Animal In You - Swan (I love these test things:) →

Throughout the ages, swans have been venerated for their elegant grace and gentle beauty. So it’s little surprise that these personalities attract such admiration as they sail serenely through life. The swan’s noble reputation is its greatest asset and it takes care to cultivate its image by always appearing calm in public.

Things are very different just below the surface, for fueling the swan’s elegant glide is a high-energy paddling that consumes most of its emotional stamina. While it’s common for a bird personality to exhibit this kind of emotional volatility, it is particularly noticeable in the swan when contrasted with its tranquil exterior.

Supporting a high-profile swan persona requires substantial energy, and a high metabolism can leave them feeling exhausted and drained. When life gets overwhelming, they will take off and find a tranquil, gentle place to meditate and recharge before returning to the real world. This unsettled aspect of their personality means that a swan has probably moved to a different city at least once its life, or is at least planning to do so.

Appearance is important to the swan who enjoys the finer things in life and it spares no expense in pampering itself. It would be a mistake to simply dismiss it as a fragile beauty though; for it is a well traveled, worldly bird who has seen the best and worst of the human condition. Its experiences have made it a well-rounded and worldly individual who can adapt to almost any career. It has no problem with taking direction from a boss and is always prepared to accept input from others.

Its work is well integrated into its life and it strives to find balance in its career and family life. Because swan personalities are often gangly and awkward as children, they have substantial experience in dealing with difficult people and are well equipped to handle conflicts in the workplace. Their innate empathy makes them ideal therapists, doctors, nurses or personnel managers. With their natural beauty they are also well suited for careers in the arts, with a particular affinity for music, ballet and acting

23rd October 2010

Photo

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog here. I have no specific motivation for this blog and yet I feel like there is fire burning inside of me, so we shall see what may arise from it. There are many things I could write about moving to Colorado and the great time we are having out here so far, but that is not what is pressing in my heart and mind. The word that continually comes to my mind these days is arrogance. I feel our society as a whole and us as Christian reeks of arrogance and it is making me sick, sick of myself and sick of others stank. Our society really has an excuse, it knows no better and it’s master is of this world…so I can’t expect much different. But we Christians, seriously? Let’s take grace. I love and appreciate grace, I know the vitality of it. I know I would not know God nor be writing or thinking in this moment if it were not for it. It is by grace I have been saved, through faith. But dare I say people are beginning to worship this gift? Is that not what idolatry is in any form. A great gift given from our God that is elevated about Jesus himself. First of all let me start by getting out what I am not “saying”. I am not saying that we have to work for our salvation, I am not saying we have to work for God’s love, I am not saying that we have the power within ourselves to “be better” with out God. These are not things that I am saying, but I feel like grace is talked about in a way in which if you do not value it to this high high degree than you are a heretic, an idiot, an ingrate! Perhaps after we become Christians we should focus on the fact that because we have this grace and power through it that we now have the opportunity to be more like Christ. That the Holy Spirit extends this to us daily and allows us the power to make good choices and have a heart that wants to please a Father that we know and love. It is not grace I bow down to, it is Jesus. Grace is a gift, I do not love Jesus for his gifts, I love Him for Him. Perhaps I am misconstruing what peoples intent are. We are all human after all. And I prayed this morning that if that is the case that the Lord will show me and reveal what I am missing. I am not above being wrong, I am just feeling the need to get my thoughts out. And yet I believe God answered that prayer and showed me what it means and why it is bothering me so much. This is what gets me mad, when people use grace as an excuse to be lazy,sinful, etc., use it to label people who are trying to live in obedience as self righteous, or really “take advantage” of God, and make him small to themselves and others. Daniel and I talked about it last night and really worked through it until God hi-lited it so clearly to me and it hit me across the face….. I obey God and want to live right, not only because He tells me to and because He wants me to, but because after ALL He has done for me, the least I can do is give back in any way I can to him in my response of love. Besides isn’t it always in my best interest to obey God, either he will protect me, bless me, teach me, correct me, or best of all and hopefully through all, glorify Himself. Obedience to God’s commands is our way to respond to Him and show our love. It’s not legalism. There are people who fall into that category, but these are not whom I address here. We do have a responsibilty and command to obey God, it’s not really up for debate, and we do have the choice to obey. I have that choice every day, and so do you. Why do I feel crazy amongst the Christian community where I assume we all claim to believe in the inerrancy of the word of God, we claim love for Him, but when certain aspects of the Bible are brought forth people get mad, scream ungracious! Well I have come to the conclusion that I will love people and I pray for love in the way God loves people but I will not love them by enabling them. Is it not God’s grace also when he disciplines us for disobeying, when He will not be mocked, when He hands us over to our sin so that we will return to Him? God is not just love and He is not just gracious, He is also just, holy, righteous and we should have a reverant awe for Him. Our response to His wonderful grace should be obedience, not a sense of spiritual entitlement to remain how we are and not try. Daniel and I came up with the analogy of letting Ashton play on the fireplace. We don’t allow that. Sometimes we let him play near it, because he knows better…but when he gets up onto it we slap his hand. We know that someday there will be a fire in there and we do not want him to think it is ok to crawl up there when he will get burned. He doesn’t yet know the consequences, but we do. This is what I believe God does for us as well. He gives us rules not to be a cruel tyrant, but to keep us from what we do not yet see. The problem is we do not know nor trust the God we say we follow. We are still rebelling against Him in our hearts. Everything He does is good, ALWAYS. And like he has given Ashton us as parents, I believe many times God puts other Christians in lives of people walking dangerously close to the fire to warn them. We don’t tell them to think we are better than them, we tell them because we don’t want to see them get hurt. We know the fire will be there someday, we know what God has warned us against. Enabling love lets them walk into the fire because stopping them, speaking up, warning them would be uncomfortable, judgemental. Then the thing that blows me away again and again is when people have been warned, by the Lord, his people, etc. they walk into the fire and then get mad that it hurts, it burns and turn around and blame the Lord or those around them. They want to walk in the fire and are mad about the consequence of doing it, as if they had no choice in the matter. The picture I put up is entitled “Bold and inadvisable”, same concept. For those who do not know better, fine, but as James says “when you know the good you ought to do, and don’t do it, you sin.” A few verses…(NLT) I write these more for myself than anything, there are many. ” Since we know that Christ is righteous, we also know that all who do what is right are God’s children.” 1Jn 2:29 “Everyone who sins is breaking God’s law, for all sin is contrary to the law of God. And you know that Jesus came to take away our sins, and there is no sin in him. Anyone who continues to live in Him will not sin. But anyone who keeps on sinning does not know Him or undestand who He is.” (I believe this is referring to indulgence in sin) 1 Jn 3:4-6 “So now we can tell who are children of God and who are children of the devil. Anyone who does not live righteously and does not love other believers does not belong to God.” 1 Jn 3:10 “But we belong to God, and those who know God listen to us. If they do not belong to God, they do not listen to us. That is how we know if someone has the Spirit of truth or the spirit of deception.” 1 Jn 4:6 “And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgement, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.” 1 Jn 4:17 “Loving God means keeping His commandments, and His commandments are not burdonsome. For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith. And who can win this battle against the world? Only those who believe that Jesus is the Son of God.” 1 Jn 5:3-5 “Dear friends, don’t let this bad example influence you. Follow only what is good. Remember that those who do good prove that they are God’s children, and those who do evil prove the do not know God.” 3 Jn 11 All of Jude, but here are a few verses “I say this because some ungodly people have wormed their way into your churches, saying that God’s marvelous grace allows us to live immoral lives. The condemnation of such people was recorded long ago, for they have denied our only master and Lord, Jesus Christ.” Jude 4 “Rescue others by snatching them from the flames of judgement. Show mercy to still others, but do so with great caution, hating the sins that contaminate their lives.” Jude 23 “God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives. Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives His Holy Spirit to you.” 1 Thess 4:7-8 “Take note of those who refuse to obey what we say in this letter. Stay away from them so they will be ashamed. Don’t think of them as enemies, but warn them as you would a brother or sister.” 2 Thess 2:14 “Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey Him. Don’t participate in the things these people do. For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true. Carefully determine what pleases the Lord. Take no part in the wothless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them.” Ephesians 5:6-11

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog here. I have no specific motivation for this blog and yet I feel like there is fire burning inside of me, so we shall see what may arise from it.

There are many things I could write about moving to Colorado and the great time we are having out here so far, but that is not what is pressing in my heart and mind. The word that continually comes to my mind these days is arrogance. I feel our society as a whole and us as Christian reeks of arrogance and it is making me sick, sick of myself and sick of others stank. Our society really has an excuse, it knows no better and it’s master is of this world…so I can’t expect much different. But we Christians, seriously?

Let’s take grace. I love and appreciate grace, I know the vitality of it. I know I would not know God nor be writing or thinking in this moment if it were not for it. It is by grace I have been saved, through faith. But dare I say people are beginning to worship this gift? Is that not what idolatry is in any form. A great gift given from our God that is elevated about Jesus himself.

First of all let me start by getting out what I am not “saying”. I am not saying that we have to work for our salvation, I am not saying we have to work for God’s love, I am not saying that we have the power within ourselves to “be better” with out God. These are not things that I am saying, but I feel like grace is talked about in a way in which if you do not value it to this high high degree than you are a heretic, an idiot, an ingrate! Perhaps after we become Christians we should focus on the fact that because we have this grace and power through it that we now have the opportunity to be more like Christ. That the Holy Spirit extends this to us daily and allows us the power to make good choices and have a heart that wants to please a Father that we know and love. It is not grace I bow down to, it is Jesus. Grace is a gift, I do not love Jesus for his gifts, I love Him for Him.

Perhaps I am misconstruing what peoples intent are. We are all human after all. And I prayed this morning that if that is the case that the Lord will show me and reveal what I am missing. I am not above being wrong, I am just feeling the need to get my thoughts out. And yet I believe God answered that prayer and showed me what it means and why it is bothering me so much.

This is what gets me mad, when people use grace as an excuse to be lazy,sinful, etc., use it to label people who are trying to live in obedience as self righteous, or really “take advantage” of God, and make him small to themselves and others. Daniel and I talked about it last night and really worked through it until God hi-lited it so clearly to me and it hit me across the face…..

I obey God and want to live right, not only because He tells me to and because He wants me to, but because after ALL He has done for me, the least I can do is give back in any way I can to him in my response of love. Besides isn’t it always in my best interest to obey God, either he will protect me, bless me, teach me, correct me, or best of all and hopefully through all, glorify Himself. Obedience to God’s commands is our way to respond to Him and show our love. It’s not legalism. There are people who fall into that category, but these are not whom I address here. We do have a responsibilty and command to obey God, it’s not really up for debate, and we do have the choice to obey. I have that choice every day, and so do you.

Why do I feel crazy amongst the Christian community where I assume we all claim to believe in the inerrancy of the word of God, we claim love for Him, but when certain aspects of the Bible are brought forth people get mad, scream ungracious! Well I have come to the conclusion that I will love people and I pray for love in the way God loves people but I will not love them by enabling them. Is it not God’s grace also when he disciplines us for disobeying, when He will not be mocked, when He hands us over to our sin so that we will return to Him? God is not just love and He is not just gracious, He is also just, holy, righteous and we should have a reverant awe for Him. Our response to His wonderful grace should be obedience, not a sense of spiritual entitlement to remain how we are and not try.

Daniel and I came up with the analogy of letting Ashton play on the fireplace. We don’t allow that. Sometimes we let him play near it, because he knows better…but when he gets up onto it we slap his hand. We know that someday there will be a fire in there and we do not want him to think it is ok to crawl up there when he will get burned. He doesn’t yet know the consequences, but we do. This is what I believe God does for us as well. He gives us rules not to be a cruel tyrant, but to keep us from what we do not yet see. The problem is we do not know nor trust the God we say we follow. We are still rebelling against Him in our hearts. Everything He does is good, ALWAYS. And like he has given Ashton us as parents, I believe many times God puts other Christians in lives of people walking dangerously close to the fire to warn them. We don’t tell them to think we are better than them, we tell them because we don’t want to see them get hurt. We know the fire will be there someday, we know what God has warned us against. Enabling love lets them walk into the fire because stopping them, speaking up, warning them would be uncomfortable, judgemental. Then the thing that blows me away again and again is when people have been warned, by the Lord, his people, etc. they walk into the fire and then get mad that it hurts, it burns and turn around and blame the Lord or those around them. They want to walk in the fire and are mad about the consequence of doing it, as if they had no choice in the matter. The picture I put up is entitled “Bold and inadvisable”, same concept. For those who do not know better, fine, but as James says “when you know the good you ought to do, and don’t do it, you sin.”

A few verses…(NLT) I write these more for myself than anything, there are many.

” Since we know that Christ is righteous, we also know that all who do what is right are God’s children.” 1Jn 2:29

“Everyone who sins is breaking God’s law, for all sin is contrary to the law of God. And you know that Jesus came to take away our sins, and there is no sin in him. Anyone who continues to live in Him will not sin. But anyone who keeps on sinning does not know Him or undestand who He is.” (I believe this is referring to indulgence in sin) 1 Jn 3:4-6

“So now we can tell who are children of God and who are children of the devil. Anyone who does not live righteously and does not love other believers does not belong to God.” 1 Jn 3:10

“But we belong to God, and those who know God listen to us. If they do not belong to God, they do not listen to us. That is how we know if someone has the Spirit of truth or the spirit of deception.” 1 Jn 4:6

“And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgement, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.” 1 Jn 4:17

“Loving God means keeping His commandments, and His commandments are not burdonsome. For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith. And who can win this battle against the world? Only those who believe that Jesus is the Son of God.” 1 Jn 5:3-5

“Dear friends, don’t let this bad example influence you. Follow only what is good. Remember that those who do good prove that they are God’s children, and those who do evil prove the do not know God.” 3 Jn 11

All of Jude, but here are a few verses

“I say this because some ungodly people have wormed their way into your churches, saying that God’s marvelous grace allows us to live immoral lives. The condemnation of such people was recorded long ago, for they have denied our only master and Lord, Jesus Christ.” Jude 4

“Rescue others by snatching them from the flames of judgement. Show mercy to still others, but do so with great caution, hating the sins that contaminate their lives.” Jude 23

“God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives. Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives His Holy Spirit to you.” 1 Thess 4:7-8

“Take note of those who refuse to obey what we say in this letter. Stay away from them so they will be ashamed. Don’t think of them as enemies, but warn them as you would a brother or sister.” 2 Thess 2:14

“Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey Him. Don’t participate in the things these people do. For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true.

Carefully determine what pleases the Lord. Take no part in the wothless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them.” Ephesians 5:6-11

9th October 2010

Photoset

Ashton’s 9 Month Blog….

Sadly I was busy or something happened during his 8 month birthday and I totally forgot to do his blog. What are the chances that I will remember what his milestones were between his 7 and 8 month? Slim to none! So here we are for his 9 month!!

This little boy steals a little bit more of my heart every single day, that is for sure! He is looking more like a little boy now and less like a baby. It seems as though he also tries or does something new almost daily as well!

He still loves to eat and is eating more and more of our food if he can get it. He only has two teeth though, so he is going to have to wait a bit more for that. He has been teething the past while though and those top two look like they will make an appearance soon enough. A few weeks ago he finally learned how to tip up his sippy cup and we are also not giving him his paci during the day in order to wean him from that.

He is boy though and through, he loves to be played with rough. Of course, dad is best for that kind of play. He also loves peek-a-boo, or more just to be scared, but in general he just loves to laugh. Sometimes I will just laugh really hard at nothing and he will join me and then we just take turns laughing at each other. He is truly a happy boy. He is entering into the testing stage and we are constantly on him with our “no’s” for the plug outlets, fireplace, etc. He is learning. The other night we were at a friends house and he was crawling straight for their fireplace. I said “NO” and he stopped and turned around, good boy!

He is cruising like a champ and when we stand him up he will stand for a few seconds, so we are wondering if he will start walking soon. Maybe this month, if he figures out how to do it. He loves to climb up on things when we let him, such a boy! I have been playing with a soccer ball with him the other day as well and when I tossed it to him he actually stopped it in his lap. He doesn’t do it every time but I think that’s his daddy’s athleticism showing! He also loves to take a ball, a ring, a bottle, whatever and push it and and then chase after it and do it all over again. It is kinda like playing soccer with your hands.:)

Overall he is such a good baby. He is getting easier and easier as he gets older and he is pretty easy going. When we drove out here to Colorado I decided it might be a good idea to leave at his bedtime. He sleeps from 7 to 7 most nights so I thought that would cover most of the trip. It worked! Of our 17 hr trip (including stops) he probably slept 15 of them! Woo woo! He is also a good errand runner and socialite. Ha ha. We are the one with a baby most the time toting along but he will go to our friends and play with them (and snuggle with them more than his own mommy!!) ha ha.

I am so excited for the holidays approaching and all his firsts. He may not remember them, but I sure will.

So thankful for my Ash dash!

18th September 2010

Video

Here’s a plug for the book I am currently reading, “One in a Million” by Priscilla Shirer. This video is a summary of what the book is about, and below are a few quotes that I have underlined already.

  • “Yes Priscilla, you can be an instrument through which others encounter Me, but only to the measure that you encounter me.”
  • Discernment -being so saturated in the truth of His word and with spiritual senses increasingly tuned to recognize His voice, you can be clear on His direction, even it it’s not the easiest path to take.
  • Oh sure, there’s lots of milk in what God has to offer. Lots of depth and substance and faith based fiber. But it’s not just a life of Bible knowledge and Sunday school coffee. It’s a life filled with colors and textures and unexpected opportunities.
  • If God has something for me that I’m in any way resisting or missiong out on, I’m stopping what I am doing, and I’m going with Him.
  • Why don’t we as the people of God-with so much divine power and enablement inside- tear down the boundaries that keep us from experiencing the fullness of an abundant relationship with Him? What keeps us from breaking through to freedom?
  • It’s not enough for us to just know we’re technically free. Taking God up on His abundance is how we experience being free.
  • …you can be 100% saved and still spend the majority of your time in Egypt. Unbelievers aren’t the only ones who contribute to Egypt’s overcrowding.

16th September 2010

Photo

A letter to my friend… This is an email I wrote to a friend tonight which I thought had a little more detail regarding how I am feeling about my life lately, so I wanted to add it here so I can remember it in more detail. “Oh girl I know just how you are feeling, but yes, it is almost over and that precious bundle that will emerge from your properly equipped body will be worth every second! I am sure I will repeat myself in this email, but thank goodness we just know each other..ha. Don’t be too hard on yourself about not being overly excited ( I see you are really working with yourself on that all the time:) but I wasn’t either. I didn’t have an “instant bond” with Ashton the way people talk about having. But I think this is where you and I are the same, we grow to love people over time, experiences with them, getting to know their personalities, quarks, etc. Look at how long it took you to fall in love with your husband for goodness sake. You don’t know that princess inside you for who she is going to be yet, but you have all your life to find out. Honestly, what a blessed journey it has been for me. I am also really hard on myself..I felt like a failure as a pregnant woman, and as a new mom. I had to have a c-section (fail), he had to go to the NICU (fail), I didn’t know where he was the morning after he was born and I was too tired to realize no one had told me (fail), was not instantly thin after having a baby (fail), my milk never fully came in (fail), I gave in to his screams and went to formula alone (fail). The list could go on and on, and although much, if not all, of these things were out of my control I felt like I had failed at the process or that people looked down on me. Looking back I was in total survival mode, even during the end of my pregnancy. I was geared up, I felt like I was out of my mind half the time..but it lasted so long it became the new normal..ha. Looking back at it now I realized I just was trying to get through it as my whole experience was in a sense a form of trauma for me…and on top of that I am supposed to be having this elated euphoric experience with my first born son, and I wasn’t…I was just….TIRED! But let me tell you something 8 months down the road, my heart explodes with love for that little boy today. We have fallen in love with each other. He didn’t know me when he was born either, so we have just gotten to know each other by spending lots of time together. The first few months they just kinda lay there and make you tired…they are so so needy…but it gets so much better, so much easier. No one ever told me that the stages they go through go by sooooo fast. You have all this baby gear and it feels like they use it for 3 weeks and then you stick it in the closet. The clothes that were huge what seems a week ago, now don’t come close to fitting and are too small (even tho dad tries to still put it on..haha). You become your old self again and you feel in control. I remember feeling in a crisis almost because I felt like I had lost myself in a sense, especially over my sensitivity and like I wanted to mow some people down should they cross me..Lord have mercy! ha I guess what I am trying to say is that there are amazing things coming your way!! It’s just our first time, and everyone and their mothers mean well with all their stories and advice…but I like the thought of you didn’t marry the same man as them, you didn’t have the same wedding reception location as them, or the same dress, or decorate your house the same or have the same lives. This is your story and it will be what God has planned for you! And she is your little girl, yeah!!!! Oh this mother love that grows in you, it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.And God will provide, cause He gave her to you and we may have money problems, but He doesn’t. And I believe if it is your desire to be home with her, God can provide a way for that. Sometimes its a test of our faith to believe that He actually will come through. There really is no doubt in my mind, but I know He knows His plans and steps for you guys! I am so so excited for you, what a life changing event the entire process is huh?? So for us, well…yes I am very excited about moving..almost afraid that I am too excited for setting myself up for disappointment. Don’t want to get my hopes up or anything, which I guess is dumb. I know how things won’t be overly easy being away from family and my church and all…but I am so about the new adventure and seeing what God has for us. I know without a doubt that this is where He wants us, so it will be amazing to see what unfolds. I am sad to be leaving when Catalina will be having Savannah and with Kelsey now planning her wedding, but it doesn’t paralyze me the way I feel it would have in the past. I know we will get back here for those things, but I just want to be where God wants us, ya know? Have you ever done Beth Moore’s Believing God Bible study? If you haven’t and ever get the chance, do it! It rocked my world the first time and my mom just sent it over to me when I was in N Ireland, now I am about to go out again and just started for round two…it is so foundational and life changing. I won’t go on and on in case you have done it, but you just see life differently when you are attempting to Believe God instead of just believing in Him. I can tell you more about it if you haven’t done it, but yea..its great timing. Especially where we are financially tight (funny thing is Daniel just came over to me as I’m typing and says “We are broke as a joke” ha). You can know that I am pretty sure there is nothing you could ask me that would be too personal, so don’t worry..I am super open about it…because who cares? ha. Basically, we are, yes, broke. I do feel more secure in a sense because I know things are changing and because where we are right now God has to come through or lots of things won’t be happening, so we are just waiting to see how He does. He got us to this place, we know He will provide. There is a sense of adventure regarding that situation for me at the moment. My other thought processes are thinking about how I am asking the Lord for things that I really need, like I never have before. I mean bras and socks for Ashton or a high chair. Things I feel we do need, I know you understand!:) I have never needed things like this before, its almost an odd place to be…like do I REALLY need it? Then I look at my bras and think, ummm ya I think I do! ha. I am not sure what to do with that, I suppose keep praying. We just need basic things, but it is more than just one item…if that makes sense. So again, I wonder if we will be able to afford things again someday in our lives, and still trying to be ok if things should never change. I am adjusting to it somewhat I think. I will sometimes stop and think about the days when we could just go to Target and spend 100 like it was no big deal and feel like those days are a million miles away. At the same time I know that wherever the Lord takes us from here I will have a new sense of thankfulness and a new awareness about what really matters in life. I feel like we are at a precipices, and change is on the horizon, and maybe I am naive but I am hopeful. One amazing thing is that our church is going to support us going out there monthly! I mean, wow, maybe that is why I am hopeful because God has already shown us He is going to provide. As far as the change goes, hey…why not a little more? Right? If I could throw any more life altering changes into a short amount of time I might be committed! No wonder I have felt crazy a bit this last while. I mean, we started dating, got engaged, married, and I believe I was pregnant within a year, or at least close enough. I quit my job, getting used to being married, hormones of a pregnant woman flying, stress of no money, having a baby, adjusting to being first time parents, why not throw in a move while we are at it. In actuality this is the right time for it, before I get too comfortable and settled and I think God has gotten me to a secure place with Him at the moment, even if not in my circumstances. Ha, its comforting to hear myself say that (or write it as the case may be). SO….I say, bring it on! I am excited to be back in what I know God has created me to do, live life to the full for Him on adventure!:) Anyways, I haven’t re-read that yet but I am sure its a jumbled mess of my thoughts, plus I have just taken allergy medication so I am writing under the influence, dangerous! Catalina is due November 2nd! We are having her shower this weekend…oh baby girl stuff is the best! I hope the Lord give me a baby girl someday! I am sad to be missing that for sure. I know she will be a doll as well! Kelsey will be getting married May 14th, well that is planned date at the moment, and then we might start trying to get pregnant again depending on what are circumstances are then:) So things to pray for, hmm? Well provision and an easy move, especially for Ashton transitioning and all. Also that Daniel’s job would be better for him out there and possibly advance as well:) Mostly that God would move for this church plant and that we would be committed to being true followers of His in belief and obedience and love the way He wants us to..and that we would see Him do amazing things! What about you guys? Anything specific to pray for other than these things you have mentioned as well?Love you and miss you friend. I wish I could be there with you as you enter this new phase of life, I know you are going to be a great mother!Keep me posted!!!!Ashley

A letter to my friend…

This is an email I wrote to a friend tonight which I thought had a little more detail regarding how I am feeling about my life lately, so I wanted to add it here so I can remember it in more detail.

“Oh girl I know just how you are feeling, but yes, it is almost over and that precious bundle that will emerge from your properly equipped body will be worth every second! I am sure I will repeat myself in this email, but thank goodness we just know each other..ha. Don’t be too hard on yourself about not being overly excited ( I see you are really working with yourself on that all the time:) but I wasn’t either. I didn’t have an “instant bond” with Ashton the way people talk about having. But I think this is where you and I are the same, we grow to love people over time, experiences with them, getting to know their personalities, quarks, etc. Look at how long it took you to fall in love with your husband for goodness sake. You don’t know that princess inside you for who she is going to be yet, but you have all your life to find out.


Honestly, what a blessed journey it has been for me. I am also really hard on myself..I felt like a failure as a pregnant woman, and as a new mom. I had to have a c-section (fail), he had to go to the NICU (fail), I didn’t know where he was the morning after he was born and I was too tired to realize no one had told me (fail), was not instantly thin after having a baby (fail), my milk never fully came in (fail), I gave in to his screams and went to formula alone (fail). The list could go on and on, and although much, if not all, of these things were out of my control I felt like I had failed at the process or that people looked down on me. Looking back I was in total survival mode, even during the end of my pregnancy. I was geared up, I felt like I was out of my mind half the time..but it lasted so long it became the new normal..ha. Looking back at it now I realized I just was trying to get through it as my whole experience was in a sense a form of trauma for me…and on top of that I am supposed to be having this elated euphoric experience with my first born son, and I wasn’t…I was just….TIRED!


But let me tell you something 8 months down the road, my heart explodes with love for that little boy today. We have fallen in love with each other. He didn’t know me when he was born either, so we have just gotten to know each other by spending lots of time together. The first few months they just kinda lay there and make you tired…they are so so needy…but it gets so much better, so much easier. No one ever told me that the stages they go through go by sooooo fast. You have all this baby gear and it feels like they use it for 3 weeks and then you stick it in the closet. The clothes that were huge what seems a week ago, now don’t come close to fitting and are too small (even tho dad tries to still put it on..haha). You become your old self again and you feel in control. I remember feeling in a crisis almost because I felt like I had lost myself in a sense, especially over my sensitivity and like I wanted to mow some people down should they cross me..Lord have mercy! ha
I guess what I am trying to say is that there are amazing things coming your way!! It’s just our first time, and everyone and their mothers mean well with all their stories and advice…but I like the thought of you didn’t marry the same man as them, you didn’t have the same wedding reception location as them, or the same dress, or decorate your house the same or have the same lives. This is your story and it will be what God has planned for you! And she is your little girl, yeah!!!! Oh this mother love that grows in you, it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
And God will provide, cause He gave her to you and we may have money problems, but He doesn’t. And I believe if it is your desire to be home with her, God can provide a way for that. Sometimes its a test of our faith to believe that He actually will come through. There really is no doubt in my mind, but I know He knows His plans and steps for you guys! I am so so excited for you, what a life changing event the entire process is huh??


So for us, well…yes I am very excited about moving..almost afraid that I am too excited for setting myself up for disappointment. Don’t want to get my hopes up or anything, which I guess is dumb. I know how things won’t be overly easy being away from family and my church and all…but I am so about the new adventure and seeing what God has for us. I know without a doubt that this is where He wants us, so it will be amazing to see what unfolds. I am sad to be leaving when Catalina will be having Savannah and with Kelsey now planning her wedding, but it doesn’t paralyze me the way I feel it would have in the past. I know we will get back here for those things, but I just want to be where God wants us, ya know?


Have you ever done Beth Moore’s Believing God Bible study? If you haven’t and ever get the chance, do it! It rocked my world the first time and my mom just sent it over to me when I was in N Ireland, now I am about to go out again and just started for round two…it is so foundational and life changing. I won’t go on and on in case you have done it, but you just see life differently when you are attempting to Believe God instead of just believing in Him. I can tell you more about it if you haven’t done it, but yea..its great timing. Especially where we are financially tight (funny thing is Daniel just came over to me as I’m typing and says “We are broke as a joke” ha). You can know that I am pretty sure there is nothing you could ask me that would be too personal, so don’t worry..I am super open about it…because who cares? ha.

Basically, we are, yes, broke. I do feel more secure in a sense because I know things are changing and because where we are right now God has to come through or lots of things won’t be happening, so we are just waiting to see how He does. He got us to this place, we know He will provide. There is a sense of adventure regarding that situation for me at the moment. My other thought processes are thinking about how I am asking the Lord for things that I really need, like I never have before. I mean bras and socks for Ashton or a high chair. Things I feel we do need, I know you understand!:) I have never needed things like this before, its almost an odd place to be…like do I REALLY need it? Then I look at my bras and think, ummm ya I think I do! ha. I am not sure what to do with that, I suppose keep praying. We just need basic things, but it is more than just one item…if that makes sense. So again, I wonder if we will be able to afford things again someday in our lives, and still trying to be ok if things should never change. I am adjusting to it somewhat I think. I will sometimes stop and think about the days when we could just go to Target and spend 100 like it was no big deal and feel like those days are a million miles away. At the same time I know that wherever the Lord takes us from here I will have a new sense of thankfulness and a new awareness about what really matters in life. I feel like we are at a precipices, and change is on the horizon, and maybe I am naive but I am hopeful. One amazing thing is that our church is going to support us going out there monthly! I mean, wow, maybe that is why I am hopeful because God has already shown us He is going to provide.


As far as the change goes, hey…why not a little more? Right? If I could throw any more life altering changes into a short amount of time I might be committed! No wonder I have felt crazy a bit this last while. I mean, we started dating, got engaged, married, and I believe I was pregnant within a year, or at least close enough. I quit my job, getting used to being married, hormones of a pregnant woman flying, stress of no money, having a baby, adjusting to being first time parents, why not throw in a move while we are at it. In actuality this is the right time for it, before I get too comfortable and settled and I think God has gotten me to a secure place with Him at the moment, even if not in my circumstances. Ha, its comforting to hear myself say that (or write it as the case may be). SO….I say, bring it on! I am excited to be back in what I know God has created me to do, live life to the full for Him on adventure!:)


Anyways, I haven’t re-read that yet but I am sure its a jumbled mess of my thoughts, plus I have just taken allergy medication so I am writing under the influence, dangerous!


Catalina is due November 2nd! We are having her shower this weekend…oh baby girl stuff is the best! I hope the Lord give me a baby girl someday! I am sad to be missing that for sure. I know she will be a doll as well! Kelsey will be getting married May 14th, well that is planned date at the moment, and then we might start trying to get pregnant again depending on what are circumstances are then:)

So things to pray for, hmm? Well provision and an easy move, especially for Ashton transitioning and all. Also that Daniel’s job would be better for him out there and possibly advance as well:) Mostly that God would move for this church plant and that we would be committed to being true followers of His in belief and obedience and love the way He wants us to..and that we would see Him do amazing things!
What about you guys? Anything specific to pray for other than these things you have mentioned as well?
Love you and miss you friend. I wish I could be there with you as you enter this new phase of life, I know you are going to be a great mother!
Keep me posted!!!!
Ashley